#iWantMyMoneyTimeAndAttentionSpanBack. Let’s get this over with.
10. Ride Along 2
Is it just me or a movie with Kevin Hart playing Kevin Hart tends to be lame sometimes. I love his stand up work, one of my favourites no doubt, but a movie that stars a version of his stand up persona gets too sweet with nothing else attached to it. This is definitely time for Kevin Hart to spread his talents wherever opportunities presents themselves, but even Ice Cube had to change up his approach from hip hop to movies. Ride Along 2 is one of 20 things that Kevin Hart did this year and most turned out successful. This is one that should be listed right at the bottom. It’s over the top as if the actors are doing this for the first time. It’s a waste of time.
I didn’t hate this movie that much, the reason it’s on the list is because of how Sony reacted to the trailer dislikes on YouTube. The ensuing attacks on male nerds and geeks was uncalled for. To make matters worse, the final product was not even groundbreaking. Yes I agree Hollywood has its ills, but to trash fan boys that kept the dream alive for 30 years takes the excitement of what might have been an eye opener in a progressive time. Bad choices lead to a bad execution. Let’s not do this again.
8. X-Men Apocalypse
If the wonky timeline doesn’t break the series for you then the ageless characters are a close second. More than anything, X-Men Apocalypse was boring, big scale action that got cartoony 2 minutes in. Jennifer Lawrence must be proud for going to Fox, charging them a huge salary and putting in half the effort. I guess as over-eager fans we deserve it. We thought every Hollywood star cares about what we care about. You go girl. The X-Men need a break, time to put this franchise in the back-burner and challenge writers to come up with something new.
7. The Huntsman: Winter’s War
Let’s be honest, Chris Hemsworth is not a star, his Thor. His movies bomb outside of him as… wait for it…Thor. The Huntsman was affected by politics from the first movie, where “Snow White” was fired and Chris Hemsworth had to jump in the driver’s seat. This didn’t benefit the movie because he was not playing…wait for it…Thor. The biggest offense of this movie is that it wasn’t boring, but you stay awake throughout the garbage on screen. When’s Thor 3 coming out?
6. Mechanic: Resurrection
Jason Statham should rethink his career choices. He was awesome in Spy, and I think that’s the direction he should look into moving forward. The era for this type of macho action star is done. At least as a one dimensional character that gets EVERYTHING done without a scratch. 2017 could be the year to add layers to a forgotten stereotype but I doubt if Fast 8 is the answer though.
5. Independence Day: Resurgence
Without a good reason for a movie to exist, don’t green light it because you won’t make your green back. This is one of those movie I’m talking about as been time specific. A failure to enrich what made the original good should be a sure sign that it’s doomed to bomb. This sequel fell into the bigger the better the second time around. It’s on this list because the movie makers considered a lot of the recent tentpole movies as competition. Big mistake because those other movies look up to your project for reference and audience pleasing tactics. It’s a case of the grand father trying to be cool at the 1 year old’s party. Why you gonna go and do that?
4. 50 Shades of Black
Since I didn’t get my money back, maybe this will give me closure. I can’t unsee this garbage of a movie but maybe you’ll heed my warning. STAY AWAY!!!
3. The 5th Wave
A TV movie that got a theatrical release. A generic alien invasion with generic characters in a generic world, 16% on Rotten Tomatoes is generous to say the least. The 5th Wave is a movie produced by accountants, the ones who think imagination can be quantified and done better under their supervision. It’s not a movie you can play in the background and ignore, it’s presences will affect the mood in the room. It’s a cheap waste that should be left behind with all the misfortunes of 2016.
2. Zoolander 2
Did you forget about this monstrosity. I wish I could. Zoolander 2 proves that some movies are time specific and the magic can’t be replicated at a whim. That a cult classic is as such because of an X factor that doesn’t appear in a balance sheet. Zoolander 2 fails to capture even its own magic and lacks missing pieces that elevate it from the original. If there’re gonna do a third movie, they need to go back to the drawing board and solve for X.
1. Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice
This movie is a failure for disrespecting the source material. It would have been the best magic trick of 2016 if something worth while was presented to us, but that didn’t happen. Ben Affleck as psycho-Killer Batman didn’t work, Henry Cavill is the worst Superman to date, Gal Gadot is yet to show us why she’s worth the role of Wonder Woman and Zack Snyder should give up while he’s still ahead. Only your mother should love you enough to give you these many chances to fuck up, not an executive who’s paying your salary. Zack Snyder needs to shut this down or Marvel will do it for him.
Some advise for DC Films:
“IT DOES’NT NEED TO BE ORIGINAL, IT JUST NEEDS TO WORK”.
Happy 2017 to all the CLG fans, hope the list is shorter next year.